Crossroads

So....I am gainfully employed. This employment afforded me the ability to purchase, make sure that there is food in our home, bills paid...etc. I have thanked God that I was blessed this way. I am still working towards my degree so the idea that I cold have a well paying job and circumvent the degree obstacle was great. I went into the job with open eyes, excitement and completely ready to dive in head first.

Now...that being said, over the past few years that same excitement has turned into resentment, feeling like my personal space has been invaded, frustrated coupled with other feelings of angst. I have been giving deep thought to me as a parent and honestly I feel that I have things to work on in that area with my oldest kids. It depresses me really. My scheduled hours don't really allow me to do much with them in the week. Sitting down and eating dinner, helping them with their homework-which can take a few hours depending on the subject. What I would hope for as far the type of position that I desired and the level that I wanted to be in with management I somewhat got. Getting certain things that you want comes with sacrifices and mine has come at the price of time with my family. I am no longer willing to give that part of my life up anymore and that is where my crossroad comes in. I get frustrated when work spills over into ‘my’ personal and family time. At times I feel as if it’s expected that I work prior to, well after or during times when I don’t even work like the weekends. I feel absolutely invaded when I get a call to say that something is broken.

There is a possibility that I may be laid off and to be honest...I wouldn't lose a nights sleep over it if I were. I would be lying if I said that I secretly hope that the scenario happens and that it comes with a severance package. On the other hand I feel that I should be eternally grateful, of which I am, to be employed especially in this economy where droves of people are being laid off on a daily basis. So I feel bad that I even have those thoughts. I've even contemplated turning in my resignation, very seriously, over the past few weeks. Paying my mortgage up for the next few months, stocking up on food in the deep freezer....a very serious thought I tell ya. Either way I am still deciding what I will do. If I do resign it will be the 1st time that I have ever done so with no new job to overlap.

Another major thought is the idea of leaving my little one in the care of someone who is not family, well hell...with anyone else besides me. Heck I even get apprehensive when the baby is here with daddy and I have to run out to the store for a stolen moment. Don't get me wrong, he is an amazing father but any mom can attest to the feeling of protectiveness that washes over you when it comes the fruit of your loins that grew 'life within life' for 9 months. You would jump into a ring with a lion to fend for your child without hesitation. The daycare provider is highly recommended from someone that we know and they are very particular about their children so that gives me a little more peace with choosing the provider....although I still want to keep my hunny bunny all to myself.

Either I am listening for God’s voice to guide me…